"But I don't know a single step." I remember the last time I attended a party. At the end they intentionally put me in the center and forced me to dance just to mock me. No No. I can't let myself be embarrassed again. The inner self already gave it's final decision.
"I can teach u some steps. Why you forget you got an amazing daughter?" She seemed so excited about it.
The scenes of my previous attempts to dance surprisingly emerged in front of my eyes. I tried to dance in front of mirror in my room and learn something before my cousin's marriage I had to attend and I couldn't stop myself laughing on my own reflection and finally gave up the idea of dancing. Dancing is not my cup of tea.
"And how this amazing daughter is going to make a person like me dance. I'm not good at doing anything leave alone dance. I'm just here to think. That's why I got a strong daughter with me to execute the ideas that emerges in my mind." The past few years leaded my life only downwards. I kept on losing people I cared, carved for their time, begged in front of them to talk to me and got nothing in return except getting troubled more.
"My dear Superman daddy! You are forgetting one thing. Your strong daughter has got strong hands too. Stop sounding like an old man. We together are going to rock the world." A smile flashed on my face. She didn't know the magic her words do to this broken man. The feeling of having her by my side kept me still alive. She made me believe that everything is not lost yet. The ambitions and plans that I already buried inside my heart - she was the reason they still flourished. Having her was like a bliss in the darkness that consumed me over all these years.
"Yeah! You are my strength. As long as you hold my one hand I can conquer the world with another. We will conquer the world. Rule it. Earn huge. Show the world a different path- a better one to live in." I remembered the sleepless nights I used to spend. The series of negative thoughts used to come one after one. Every night I used to say to myself - I don't want to feel this again tomorrow night. Every night I promised to kill myself the next day so that I don't have to face those lonely haunting nights.
"How dare you to miss our palace to be built in Orlando!!!! " I remembered how much she wanted to have a big house in Orlando since the day she visited there five years ago. I was still in the thoughts of dark nights I spent. The feeling of being alone and get into those haunting nights again always frightens me. I remembered the way I cried for hours struggling with getting over my thoughts. No! I never want to be like that again. I don't want to be alone.
"Ofcourse the massive palace for us. It can never get out of our wish list. Just be with me always. I have lost almost all that I had. I can't think of myself without you." Life was better from the day she entered. I compared the dark nights with my life now. It has changed. It has become better. Those burdensome days and haunting nights…….. ahhhhhh!
"I'm never gonna leave u dad. We will face together whatever comes. The father - daughter duo will rock." My heart was heavier now. I wanted to hug her close to my heart and cry out. But she was too far. A roll of tear dropped on the mobile screen. It sprinkled over the lower left corner of screen.
I wiped off the water dropped on the screen with my right hand and kept the phone down besides pillow. I looked towards the left wall of my room. Crick.Crick.Crick.Crick. Crick. The wall clock's second hand was moving making the sound in the silence of the night. The hours hand was near three like it is craving to hug that number but the minute hand was standing in its way saying - the time has not come yet. It was patiently moving in between the numbers nine and ten following the lead of second hand.
I looked down behind me. The younger brother was asleep. That peace on his face. That carefree expression. It was one ninety third day since I last talked to her.
"I'll improve u had told. Now this is your improvement. It is one month since I told u I'm troubled and need a good talk so that I can be relaxed. And u didn't cared to reach me back while u had time to post all those rubbish and do all those things u do." It was one month since I was waiting for her to come to me. Ask how I am. Talk to me. Calm me. Make me feel she was still with me.
"One minute! What are you doing this early in morning? and tell me what happened?" Ohh thank God she was there to talk with me. She was there but didn't care to open my old msgs read and answer. Fine.
"I didn't sleep whole night. I spend nights crying and worrying and in dark life before struggling. You know all that. I don't need to explain." I wished she feels the wrong she is doing and how much hurt I'm from her behavior and after knowing she will be in my life just like before. And life will flourish again.
"Life always go straight for you. Then suddenly you start over thinking and destroy it all. You know that it kills you but still…….. " how did she know my life is going straight or complicated or destroyed. She barely talked me two or three times in last three weeks.
"If I'm telling you today that doesn't mean I just felt it today. It is an accumulation of all those days I have been struggling with life. But why would you care. You have got a whole new world to live in and a bunch of lovely people to care about." It was heartbreaking to see everytime every post. Not because they signalled her new alliances. Because I was being lost with every one of them.
"I got that!" Now what to make out of these words. I wanted to write all the moments I felt bad about. All the sentences I cried at. All the time I missed her.
"You snatched my five seconds 'suprabhat pitajee' while u have all the time to devote to your new mates and world …………. " I wanted to write all. Say everything that could bring her back in my life. Do whatever it needs. And not to stop until she was here with my. Laughing and having long conversation like before. But she was gone.
"Don't go so far that comeback is not possible" I ended my series of messages I kept on typing after she went. 'I got that is not the end of conversation' I assumed. When she will come again she will read and understand me and be back with me to walk as the duo.
I didn't remember when I picked my phone again and started reading over the old conversations. I have been used to of doing it in last few months. When I missed her I open up the old messages and tried to relive the happiest moments of my life. Her last words 'I got that.' The conversation was still unfinished. It has been six months since we last talked. And I was still waiting for a day she will miss her dad and come back to me even she didn't get time to realize she had an unfinished conversation to deal with. Perhaps it didn't matter to her now.
Only if we were same as before and she never left me. How easy the life would have been. All the dreams and plans we made together. We had a lot of steps to walk together. Achieve so much. And then she chose to separate her ways when I needed her most. Knowing I was being hurt and she should be here with me. I was wrecked. Emotionally weak with every passing day. Only if she chosen not to leave me and spare some time for her dad too. I had no place no time in the new world of hers. It felt like someone has clinched my heart with powerful fists and squeezing it. It hurts. I hurt more. Tears came in my eyes. But it didn't stop. It continued squeezing and it pained.
"Stop it! Please stop it! I beg you. Please stop it." I screamed in pain. A voice mixed with odour of grief. But there was no one to listen. No one to calm me. I missed her more. It hurt more. I cried like a small child.
" How long will you be needing someone to walk with. Nothing has changed. Didn't you live before she came in your life. You have lived without her so much of your life. It's not something new that you have to step into."
I looked around me to locate the source of the voice. But failed. It was so bright all around.
"You have been blaming her all this time to leave you when you needed. You think yourself of a wise man. Do you see her. Did she leave all the people in similar manner. " The voice was emerging directly within my mind. No one was there. As the brightness lowered I found myself in the forest again. And there was no one around.
"No! She has people around her. Actually alot." I thought.
"That means she is not reluctant to accept people and care about them. If u could not make yourself that much important that she care about you whose failure is it. Your or hers. Now stop blaming her for leaving you and generating false sympathy in eyes of yourself." I was shocked.
"Stand and walk alone. Nothing is lost. You will be stronger than ever before. You have always found someone to walk with you when the fear of being lonely came to you. And you have suffered losing them. This is the time to go alone as the fear of losing is not there when you walk alone."
"And what about her? She will be left to live happily. What happens to her? She will be free? Do you think she has not done anything wrong and that she doesn't deserve any punishment for what she done to me. Are you asking me to foregt all and move ahead?"
"Forgiveness is the characteristic of humans. It makes you high and ideal among others. Giving punishment is godly for that you can Decide what's good and what's bad. There is no injustice in the world. And if there emerges some the nature is there to balance it back to equilibrium. What do u think the purpose of nature in this world. Like it balance the life breaths between trees and creatures. Like it balances life for death. "
"But I don't want any revenge or her bad for what she has done. I just want her back to come with me and play her role in the evolution we have planned. "
"It's not you who decide destinies of people. She will walk into her destiny and repay what she has done in time. But for now this is your time to take steps towards yours. Be strong."
"I will" I promised to myself and opened my eyes. I found myself in the bed. It was nine of morning. The sun was already risen above my head and lightened up the world around me. I looked up high. The brightness was more than my eyes could tolerate. I lowered my head and moved ahead.
EXTRACTS OF SOME OTHER CHAPTER:
The enormous gate opened inside and he entered. The room had dim greenish light. He walked slowly towards the middle of the room. He could see two silhouette both at each side of his chained with the wall.
"Switch on the lights" he signalled. And within few seconds the whole room glowed with lights.
"Please forgive him! Forgive us! I'm on knees begging to you. I realize all my mistakes. I will be with you all the time. Whenever you need. Just forgive us! " the girl chained in one edge of the room bellowed.
"I know you have understand all and you apologize truly my daughter but the time for this has passed. Sometimes we do not care how our acts or hurting someone and if we are okay with it se just proceed. Those were your days. Now it's mine. "
"He has not eaten since last 10 days..give him something to eat. I beg you. " she pointed her fingers towards person chained just in front of him. There lied a man naked full of dirt. Big scattered hair's and long beard. He looked unaware of what happening there. Perhaps because of previous days he faced.
"There was a day when I was sad and you could have made me happy and end my suffering and misery but u chose not to care about and moved ahead. Now time has changed. I can end all your suffering and give you your life back but I'll do exactly what u did to me."
"I apologize I could have understand and cared more. I'll never disregard your words and care for your feelings and words" he stared at her face and started moving towards the man. He reached to him. Hold his chin moved it up to face him directly and said let's show your beloved how much kind I'm. He pulled out knife and moved on the chest.
"Nooooo! Please be merciful. I'm begging you. " she sobbed and kept on saying words to convince him.
"A day I was trying to talk to you. Make you understand and I hope you have not forget yet. So many years and you didn't care to finish the conversation you left unfinished. You expect mercy from me." He roared. Voice loud and in anger.
"I'm sorry! Please understand. I'll do whatever you say. Forgive me."
He put knife aside and stood. Walked forward and revealed the captive to the girl.
MONSTER IS HERE- the knife carved the words on this chest and belly and blood was spiling out of it.
"Have mercy on us..please" she sobbed more seeing the man.
"If you let something go into fire and don't stop it to save while you can you are left with the ashes. And wherever it touches you it blackens you. You will see him craving dying out of hunger in front of you. Every part of his body will rot and smell and vanish in front of you. The beautiful face you were fascinated of will become corpse. You will witness this. You won't die. You will live your full life. Mourning for it. Apologizing. I craved for being important in your life. I asked from you. You denied. Now see how important I'm. Every second until death of your life you will remember me. There's nothing else to forget these. Just see him. This is the fate. The father daughter duo was lost one day. Now every duo that had you as a part will be lost. And you will see. This is what your life is all about now. One day your actions hurt me. I asked you for help. You ignored and left me with my sufferings. Now it's my time. I'll do exactly the same. He stepped towards the door. A drop of tear fell on the door as he moved out.