Monday, 10 October 2016

Chapter 3 : The Journey Begins

I stood beside a big tree at the corner. It was a big dense forest. I could see a few rays coming through the edges of the forest that indicated there was something that exhibited light so powerful that some rays of it managed to pass through the dense woods. I saw a person moving ahead into the woods at a distance. He didn't wear any clothes. He had a thin frame with fewer hairs on the body. He had long hairs like they were never been combed or dresses. He was moving fast. He had his back towards me. I called out to to stop him and to ask who he was and where he was going. But he moved ahead ignoring my voice like he didn't hear it. His footsteps got faster. He moved left where there was a tree having fruits. I saw the mangoes. I felt I was hungry. I tried to move towards the tree but I was not able to take a single step. I tried hard and started sweating but I failed. With all my energy I was not able to take a single step. I looked towards the person. He had reached the tree. He plucked a mango and started eating it. Still I can't see his face.  As he started eating my hunger went down. I didn't know what was happening. How could that be possible? I was out of hunger by the time he finished the third fruit. I was puzzled trying to figure out the thing happening around me. He started moving ahead when I was struck with the idea that in a few hours the hunger will return and I don't know there will be something to eat at that time around me. I had to arrange for the time when I need t eat again. I was thinking as I was in his place. The hunger I felt was his. I was feeling his thoughts. How that was possible? I wanted to see his face. He didn't turn towards me for a single second since I saw him. I made another effort to run towards him. He was back to the tree getting some more fruits to carry in his journey. I ran towards him to find out who he was? I breathed heavily. I was tired in just two three steps. But I had to see his face. I saw a branch of the tree falling on his shoulder. I shouted to bring his attention. But he didn't hear. The branch struck his shoulder and I felt the pain on my shoulder like it stroked me. I fell on the ground. He stood as if nothing happened. He moved ahead carrying the fruits as I saw him going out of my sight.
I felt the pain on my left shoulder. I was lying in my room when my eyes opened. It was eight thirty of that day. This was the time when all our family members gathered at a place to have dinner. I wanted to go and join them when I realized what had happened today. They must be discussing about me. I didn't know what happened after my father came there. Everyone would have come to know by now. How could I face them at the dining table? I decided to remain in my room. I was feeling weak. I needed some to eat. But I couldn't go out. Can't this day be a bad dream I am seeing. I decided to sleep again in the hope that I will be awake with a different reality than this. One by one images of the day just passed start coming in my mind. I struggled to keep them out and sleep in peace but found it hard. The more I thought the more it pained. It was ten of that night and I was still awake. The sound of my door gave the idea that someone was entering my room. My heart beat got faster in fear for what had to come. It was my father. He came near me.
"How are you feeling now?" He asked. I could see the hateful look coming out of his eyes. Nothing happened today felt bad than this.
"I am good." I answered. I didn't have the gut to look into his eyes. 
"Are you hungry? You need something to eat?" I shook my head with my eyes fixed to the bed. We both remained silent for a few moments and then he went out shutting the door. Once again I went through the memories of the day just passed in a hope to get rid of them and sleep in happiness like I used to sleep before that day.
It was evening of the next day when mom entered with a plate and a glass of water. I could sense the mix of anger and hate in the way of serving. I didn't know whether there something really like breaking of heart or pain in the heart exists or not. But somewhere inside me I felt like crying. To cry out louder to show them all that there were not the only one who got hurt. I was trying to get out of the memories of the day. And when I felt I was helpless I cried. I didn't know how much time I spent in tears. The sound of bangles disturbed my thoughts as mom put the plate on my bed. I started in her eyes to find out some sympathy towards me but I failed. My stomach had ached and relaxed four times out of hunger until then. I started eating with guilt in my mind. I knew I had done wrong. Everyone hates you if you do wrong. Isn't it the duty of our family to hold us strong in the bad situations? If they were also meant to be with us only in good times what's the difference between them and others. Why the concept of family was there then? But you cannot judge others when you yourself are guilty of doing wrong. There was no one around me to whom I could share what I felt. It was me and my mind. My mind cannot get out of what had happened for a single second and that made me more and more depressed. I finished the meal and put the plate under the bed. Once again I was in my bed to fight, argue, justify and apologize for what had happened. I had to ask questions. I had to answer. I had to console me for being strong. I had to take care of me. I had to help myself that everything will be okay when I was crying. I didn't know what I have to do.
My father came into my room while I was once again in tears sick of consoling myself over what had happened. I wiped off my tears and sit on the bed. He asked me to join the rest of family members for dinner. I denied. I didn't have the strength to face them. I had always been praised wherever I sat with elders. How I would have sit with them while they have a bad image of me in their mind and looking towards me with those hateful eyes. No I couldn't go. I denied. Father sensed my hesitation. He said, "one day you have to face them all. How long you could escape from them." I understood that what he was saying was right. I knew what I had done would give me hate for the rest of life. But I didn't know how to accept this reality. I knew at that moment I couldn't do that.
"I am not hungry. I will come when I need to eat." I didn't have anything better to say. My father knew what I was saying and what I was telling. He moved towards dining room. I burst out into tears before I reached my bed. Something inside me pained. I didn't know whether it was heart, mind or something else. But I just felt why this all happened? There were a lot of people who loved. There were people cheating others in love. There are people who hate and kill others. The people are doing wrong and living normally. I loved and got punished. Why this happened to me? There was no one who could answer me. I spent next two days just like the earlier, in depression thinking about the only thing and crying over my fate when I got tired of thinking.
On the fifth day my father permitted me to go to school. I didn't know what happened outside my room in those four days. I was busy within me. I asked to go for school the second day but father stopped me. My father came with me when I entered the school. All of them were looking at my face like I was an alien. I felt uncomfortable with those eyes looking at me. We went to principal's chamber. I saw teachers talking seeing at us as we crossed the teacher's room. My father's head came down as we passed through them to enter the principal's room. The thing somewhere inside my body pained again. It was not actually a pain. It just felt like the breath that I was taking is not reaching that unidentifiable part of body and it became uncomfortable. I hated that feeling. In a matter of seconds it gets the mind crazy. I felt pity on me to bring the situation when my father had to put down his head because of me. The principal told me to go to my class and indulged in a conversation with my father. I faced that strange looks once again when I walked in the corridor to reach my classroom. I saw the friend of her coming at a distance from my front. Behind her there was the beautiful face. The feeling of the breath not reaching a part of the body came back. As we came closer my heart started beating faster. But this time the reason was fear. I didn't know why the accident with her uncle started coming into my eyes and I felt extremely uncomfortable. She already saw me from the distance. As we neared she didn't even looked once towards me. The something inside me pained getting me uncomfortable. The heart beats got faster. I breathed heavily. Everything started getting back to normal once we crossed each other. I turned once to see whether she looks towards me. But nothing so happened. It may be possible that she didn't love me and told herself about me to her uncle. Or why she would behave like this to me. She knew what happened to me with his uncle. She could have told me directly if she didn't love me. What was the need of taking the things to this worse level? I felt more bad realizing I loosed her too along with those I was suffering already. I felt like crying over me. I didn't talk to anyone the whole day in my class. I sat on the first bench that remained vacant in normal. I was lost in the memories since the day we met. The beautiful conversations we had. The beautiful smiles I used to see. The "do you have anything else to say?" statements said by her. She never told me that she loved me. She may have used those statements in normal conversations that I forcibly connected with the expectations of asking to propose her. It was my mistake. But my mistake was so big to be punished like this? I missed the beautiful smile she used to pass. The brightness of those glorious eyes. The thing that happened was too tough to carry throughout the life.
There exists a supreme soul, dissolving in whom our individual soul is the sole purpose of our entire human life. This is the ultimate aim of all our doings. We get a body to help the soul to achieve its ultimate goal. And until we take our individual soul to the level at which it can become unanimous with the supreme soul we die and born again on this earth. - I started Reading a book that has been kept in my room for years. I was feeling so bad for the way she ignored when we met. I felt like losing all my strength to fight with this adverse situation. When I came in my room, I knew I will start thinking once again the same things and there is nothing there I can get with this. So, to engage myself I just started reading the book which I never saw anyone reading at my home. Still it was there for as long as I can remember. Later it had been put to my shelf. I smiled over what I read. It was interesting but not believable. It couldn't be possible that a big thing like this could be unknown to the scholars of the world who designed a world where earning and making our life comfortable was the purpose of the life. I knew the reality of the world we were living. Even if I couldn't believe the words of the books I was curious to know what lies ahead. I turned the page.
Let suppose a scale running from zero to hundred. Hundred is the place where our soul is eligible to combine with the supreme soul, and zero is where we first born in this world to start our journey. We born and die a number of times in this journey. What would happen if a person for example attain ten percent in a life and then die? When he is reborn he will have to start afresh from zero on the scale? Is everything we do in a lifetime is lost with our death?
If the answer to this would be in affirmative what do you think is the reason of the intelligence level of the children who learn things at an amazing faster rate than those others in the same class listening to the same teacher the same words and reading the same texts. They all are born out of the same fucking process having a mind and every part of the body. Voice of the teacher’s strikes them equally but the level of learning differs. If the physical surroundings are same to all of them what do u think makes difference? Isn't it something lying somewhere inside us that makes difference in how we perceive outer surroundings. 
- The inner thing made difference. I recalled the monkey and the boy incidence when I was coming from grandparents home after holidays. I remembered the first time when I saw her in our clothes. She was so beautiful. I realized the thing happened with me. For a few minutes I forgot everything reading the book. But soon the memories came back. Why these happened to me? I thought. I once again concentrated on the book. I was being curious about where actually I stand in this scale? If there was a way to find out the level at which we stand?
Where a soul stands in the path of meeting the supreme soul can be known by the time difference between the wrong doings of the soul and the punishment it gets for it. Quicker the punishment for the wrong the higher in the scale of zero to hundred it lies. People often think why I am punished for such a small thing in this way while others in the society indulging in great wrongs don't ever get caught or punished and lead a happy life instead. The people on the higher side of the scale are known. They must not deviate from their purpose. For this they must realize that they are departing from their path. Punishment is the way which ensures they realize it. And it should be quick. On the other hand lower side of the scale lays the unknowns. Who had just begun the journey and have to learn a lot of things. There is a time gap between the wrong doings and punishment so that they could live in their fool’s paradise for a while before realizing the right way and purpose of life. This was just like a classroom where in the beginning the elaboration of the subject is necessary. But at the time near our examination the quick revision is enough to recall the same things in short span of time. Hitting the theme directly makes us getting the entire concepts that we used to learn in a week. I was in a different world after finishing. I thought of myself. The punishment I got. I was jealous of the people who did wrong and lived their life easily, while I got punished for that little thing. I didn't know whether the book was correct or incorrect but reading it gave me comfort. I was higher than those mocking over for what happened. I decided to read the entire book in days to come and went to sleep.
Ten days had passed. I had finished the entire book. A lot of things seemed totally absurd while a few concepts were astonishingly convincing. She used to ignore me whenever we were in front of each other. And nothing hurt me more than that. My life full of happiness had shattered just because of her. In a few days I stopped crying over what happened. Perhaps the mind realized no one is there to see and console me. I got used to of the hateful looks of the teacher, classmates and the family members. I stopped talking to anyone except when they talk to me or I had some work. I relied on yes and no as answers wherever possible apart from the smile. I knew I was higher on the scale from all of them. There's no need to hurt myself by knowing what they think about me. I started spending time reading more and more books. Almost fifteen days had elapsed since that incidence with her uncle. I was sitting on the first bench of my class. While teacher was uttering the words I was thinking of something else looking down sincerely in my books. The bell rang indicating the closure for that day. I waited for everyone to go out of the class as I did every day. I didn't like facing them. I feared what I would say if they ask about anything. I put on my school bag and turned towards the gate. I saw the two faces coming inside. She stood in front of me feet away while her friend remained at the door. She had her eyes fixed to the floor. I was being uncomfortable to have her after so many days. A lot of things happened within these days. I had been far from anyone and spent almost all the time alone. I felt uncomfortable being with her. She opened the right palm and put it in front of me. Those white beautiful palms carried an amazing deal red rose.
"I am so much sorry for what happened. I wanted to talk to you but couldn't because of my sisters." I couldn't believe the thing happening. I didn't know what I have to do. I was losing control over my breath.
"I love you." She said. Those lips had never been so beautiful ever before. I stood rooted seeing her palm, lips and eyes one by one...........

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